Tired of those holiday blues when your trip to the sun proves to be a big wet letdown? Avoid the anti-climax with a holiday package that deliver on its promises: dreariness desolation and disappointment. At Abysmal Holidays, we understand that holidays are a desperate attempt to escape the mundane awfulness of every day life and a naive projection of all the hopes and dreams that you have failed to realise. We know your holiday is doomed to be a terrible disappointment when it turns out to be just OK: much like your Real Life but somewhere hotter with an unfamiliar shower and oddly-named food and three times more expensive.
Abysmal Holidays have the answer: pre-arranged crappiness, no frills, no hidden extras - just rubbish locations, dreadful facilities, and guaranteed horribleness, that will make you actually appreciate being at home. Come with us for a thoroughly miserable time.
The "Hell" Holiday
Two weeks in a very cramped caravan (just let us know how many are in your party and we can shrink the space accordingly) in the middle of a wet field. Constant rain, no activities and absolutely no sites of interest guaranteed. Facilities include an electric kettle with mildly entertaining whistling noise, which will provide hours of tedium for all the family*. Just when you think it can't get any worse, you will be invaded by Graham Norton and a group of highly embarassed students who will re-enact river dance in your rickety caravan until you want to kill yourself.
*Boiling the kettle without water is not recommended.
The "Withnail" Trip
A weekend in the countryside, in a neglected cottage, complete with hostile locals and dramatic rainstorms. Almost constant saturation and an inability to get properly dry again is assured. No mod. cons. included, to ensure complete misery. Fully catered with a supply of potent alcohol and one live chicken. Enjoy two days of isolation in which your companions will prove completely intolerable and wildly irritable. Local sites of interest include a cake shop, who will refuse you service and call the police, and a fictitious wellington boot seller. If you think that sounds dull, you can look forward to a surprise visit from Lecherous Uncle Monty, who will break in during the night and inevitably try to molest one or more of the pert male guests. This memorable trip is rounded off with an inebriated drive home and a night in the cells.*
*For a modest fee, we can arrange for your home to be occupied on your return by a drugged up friend and a large black man in your bathtub.
The Black Books Airport Experience
For those of a spontaneous nature, this thoroughly depressing excursion can be booked at an evening's notice: spend five days visiting some of the world's most convoluted airports in a dizzy series of connecting flights and stop-overs, complete with flight delays, lost baggage and disorientating naps on uncomfortable plastic chairs, expensive duty free binges and headache inducing coffee in a range of identical chain cafes. Discover the answers to those eternal questions: what does anyone really need from tie-rack? Just how many flights can you take with your closest friends before you want to put big spikes through their heads? Why are airport staff that disturbing shade of orange? Why do your bags always end up at a more exotic location than you? When you're at your most burnt out and airport-staff-incompetence-provoked-psychotic, enjoy one and a half hours in your planned destination before you get the do the whole terrible business again.
You can also sample our wide range of Extras:
- Lost baggage (or for a slightly wider budget, have your bags blown up at the airport!)
- Flight cancellation and/or bumping down a class (it's a widely spread myth that you can't put passengers in the cargo deck)
- Hotel check-ins up to eight hours after you arrive, or a bonus lost reservation special
- Sick child to look after, who will cry constantly and demand you sing the-wheels-on-the-bus by the Pussycat Dolls, with the curtains drawn.
Abysmal Holidays; travel experiences that won't let you down*
(*but may lead to bouts of severe depression/anxiety/birdflu, which your travel insurance won't cover.)
Home never looked so good.